Dreaming

of having my own little place!

I am a little girl

at heart.

The past few weeks have been tiring. After today, I realised that I have MUCH to learn and that it's true that wisdom and knowledge, in most parts, can only be bought by time and experience. As much as I want to believe that my enthusiasm can compensate, can it really?

Fortunately, my being green allows me to make mistake. Allows ppl to overlook. Enough about work.

Have had much thoughts lately. Somehow, somewhere, my priorities have gradually evolved.I look into the mirror, and dont really like the reflection I see. My eyes ache in tiredness and is constantly a tad bloodshot. Limp stringy hair that cries for shine and attention hangs pitifully. I dont even recognize the girl in photos of my yesteryears anymore.The sleepless nights of agony. Sigh.

One of my better photos these days.....

Myself and the gang in our younger days...

What I want most now...

1. To be with my LG
2. Have a brand new lovely haircut...
3. Sleep soundly everyday knowing you are near me...that's the secret to youth and beauty right?
4. To wear my pretty new dresses I'd bought for Christmas!!!! I heart River Island!!Thinking of buyin more..hmm... its the season for prezzies right? Prezzies for myself..muaahahah
5. To get my braces removed.
6. Lose weight, get into shape and resume obsession with vanity.Masks! Manicures! Trimmings!Extensions? Exercise!...

7. Buy lovely gifts for my family Im meeting up next weekend!!

8. Counting down the days to Christmas......

Sidetrack a little. So many songs reminds me of us..but i love this one the best..fits perfectly.... !

Really really mad

Lately been feeling like not giving a damn about anything anymore. What with responsibilities and sacrificing for the good of mankind ( or a purpose to be exact). I was told that this is all part and parcel of the learning process. You can always opt to act dumb and stay mum. Or. Step it up and take in as much as you can. Regardless of how much you'll be appreciated.

So what happens when you do more and get slapped in the face. No one really cares the amount of effort you've put inside. The amount of hours you have sacrificed.

Is it worth it? I wonder. I bet most ppl go through this in their careers. Today, I look back and finally understand why ppl choose 9-5 jobs with specific job scopes.

Why people get fed up after years of taking in all this s***. Workload is not a problem. But when I get backstabbed I get really really PISSED.

How much have I neglected myself. Unruly hair, pimple face filled with blemishes, flabbiness and owl like eyes... and for what???????????????

When did I start becoming so bitter and angry......

The only things i look forward to......counting the days to the limited weekends with loved ones/ one....days that i can sleep soundly.......

I NEED

TO LOSE WEIGHT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Lately

Feeling really tired of everything around. Have been keeping mum a long time, and I guess lotsa ppl are asking lotsa questions...either that or tip-toeing around me. For a long time, questioned myself. About integrity. About doing the right things. About conscience. About life. I guess many of the decisions I have made in certain areas of my life have raised eyebrows. Also really greatful that friends that matter to me slapped me with honest feedback ( whether I like it or otherwise). I'm happy that I have ppl who love me enough to try talk sense into me.

I guess people can judge. Can comment. Can give opinions. In the end of the day, it is your life. and... I DISLIKE LDRs...

Sigh.

Been a long long time since i posted any photos of myself...cause as you can see, I have expanded generously horizontally. And that's not something I'd like to share with the entire world.

It's time to get obsessed about vanity... again....

Anyways.. happy moments....

Happy belated birthday daddy!

I feel the same darling...

well, not many things can bring me a tear...but this definitely did.


Cant blame me. Me family is a conventional one. And thus, heartfelt declarations are not a norm.


On this special month, i learnt to appreciate my dad and my mom even more. ( Not that i didnt before.. )


HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DADDY!

daddy and mummy in Korea a month back...


and they will be going to the land of LOTR next month with the two kiddies! Now, so UNFAIR right....

But i still love them to bits... MUAKSSS

and since I'm at it...

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TOO, MR D.. :P

LUCK

is an intriguing creature.

Does one create his own luck? Do does it come naturally to one?

If you dig deep into self motivation books like The Secret, luck will seem more like the rewards of positivity. That life and challenges are a matter of perspective.

Remember the half glass full/ half glass empty statement?

When I was younger, I was dead set that the word luck can never be mentioned in one breath with my name. I lose badly when playing cards. I never win anything in lucky draws. I will need to make tonnes of rounds in MV searching for a vacant parking lot. I bet if I start buying ToTo numbers for the rest of my life, I wont even come close to matching one number. So sad right.

Recent events had made me reevaluate the definition of lucky.

I look at the people around me. I hear stories of people's hardship.

I feel lucky.

Let's start with real friendships. True friends are hard to come by. But the friends I have made, from the moment I stepped into this world, my neighbours, my primary school friends, my high school mates, my uni mates, my colleagues, friends I've made during camps, activities and etc... they all have proven to be the greatest of pals. Till today and for the rest of my life, you guys can always count on me for help, an ear/ shoulder.....( although I know I've always been accused of ffk-ing) :)

Then there's family. My entire family ( mom, dad, sisters, and brother) are my pillar of strength. They love me so much that it's almost impossible to fathom. I'm grateful for the bond we share, the comfortable life I've led, the support and advice they have provided me in all aspects of my life ( yan sang dou lei from my mom, career discussion and talks with my dad, unrelenting support from my sisters and brother). They are the very reason I am who I am today and I love them so very much.

My other half...well, considering looks, I guess many girls out there beat me hands down. Demureness, humour, ...I dont know.. what else? I guess I'm just an ordinary girl. Really thankful for the relationships I have been through that had help me grow and learn. I do know what I want know.. finally, after months of wallowing in the gloom of quarter life crisis, I'd broken through the wall of obscurity. You know... it's true.

When you know, you know. There comes a time when there is no need for who and how and why. All the pieces come together and you are suddenly ready to take a giant leap. Amazing right? That's why I feel ..again.. lucky.

Then there's one's career. It's pretty hard to explain. I do try hard, really hard. Yet sometimes it's too good to be true. I'm blessed with great bosses. One after another. Great colleagues. Great support from the management. Great opportunities. Great benefits and compensations. ( Of course I'm sure many have better then I do, but I'm pretty contented. No, MORE than contented.)

If you watch SATC, take Charlotte, and you will know how i feel. Is this too good to be true. Is something bad lurking at the corner waiting to jump on me? I dont know.

I have stepped on some shoes, hurt some people, on occasions not be as good a person as I want to be.

Yet one after another, good things keep happening. Thank you for blessing me and please keep doing so..!!!

I really dont mind not winning stuff in lucky draws. :)

Wheee

ENOUGH!

No more moping. No more complaints.

I NEED A VACATION!

It's been.... months...years.... since I've gone anywhere fun, loosen my hair and ran free like a bird.

I AM SO EXCITED.

This calls for more shopping! Shopping for holiday outfits..byebye gloomy office wear.... Shopping for funky accessories... Shopping for rainbow colored ribbons and bags... Can I?

CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT CANT WAIT!

Roaring from the lion city...

Have been quiet for awhile now. It is really quite sublime, this place. They say a person's characteristic evolves every seven years. I'd say that mine perhaps transformed a little prematurely. This year marked many life transforming incidences. It is also a year that brings me face to face with lotsa adult decisions.

Decisions that a no longer about fun and frolicking.

Decisions that ascertain the path I will walk.. 10 years down the road, 20 years down the road, 50 years, 60 years down the road...
Decisions that will affect many people around me that I care plenty about.

The decision to cross over brings me mixed feelings. The opportunities it presents are boundless and thus I can't deny that I'm enjoying. Physical and mental strains that come together with the package is a definite. That, I can withstand.

Many say that 24 is still a small figure that is coupled with leeway for mistakes and experimentation. That, I agree. ( Btw, anyone read the book Now, Discover your Strengths- Marcus Buckingham? Pretty interesting, will write about it later). I guess with my fellow peers striving hard to path a high flying career and living life to the fullest, what I'm about to say next might grant me the label out of my mind. Occasionally, my mind does ponder that direction.

I guess I'm feeling burnt out. I do seek a fulfilling career and definitely want to continue pursuing what I have worked on for the past year. Too much hope and investment has been placed upon me to fail them. I still read my Forbes, Times and watch my business news religiously with the same umph and passion.

Yet deep inside, a tiny voice cries to be set free. All I want is really uncomplicated happiness. A life unadorned with drama and countless responsibilites to be answerable to. A moment to look back and smile at the things I have accomplished. And most importantly share it with a person who feels that same. I look forward to knowing there is someone and your own home to go back to everyday. To forgo all defences and share your vulnerabilities with someone who understand and whom you can trust. To go to bed each night knowing there is someone who loves you and whom you love beside you. To know that at each face of adversity, the dilemmas will be significantly reduced with his care and attention.

Simply, to experience each "boring and predictable" parts of your life with a person you love.

I still love my girls, my friends and especially my family. But the yearning for thrill, partying has diminished.

After a year(s) of going home to a room and living each day without a purpose. I am beginning to realise that ultimately, this is what I really want.

A heartfelt thanks to friends who have been my pillar of strength, friends who have given me their honest to heart advices, friends and family who pledge to love and support me and to you, who has shown so much understanding, maturity and love. Through this period of time, through your actions and words, I have noticed how much each of us, especially you have grown. My wishes and blessings to the road you have chosen to undertake.

The perplexity is gradually becoming clearer.... and in no time, things will get better.

Reading bug

I always feel so bored between stops on the MRT. I tried buying the papers each morning. But they isnt enough content to keep me occupied throughout the entire train ride. In the end, me bought a book.

It's a great book. Started off a little slow and draggy for me. When I almost gave up on it, the interesting parts began to pick up.

The reason I'm blogging about it...

I"M TERRIBLY UPSET WITH THE ENDING!!!

Talk about surprise endings. Why do authors sometimes try so hard to create a surprise element that is so unsatisfying. Hmpph. To think that after so much anticipation, it had to end this way. ANGREE!!

Nevermind. Off to buy another book. Hee.. Recommendations?

Insecurities

They can haunt even the most confident of individuals.

We look at the beautiful shell others carry in envy.And wish of achieving similar perfection.

Lately, many have confided their fear. Perhaps even more than those of the ordinary. Their fear of losing.The fear of being considered lesser. For they have more to lose then those who didnt have it in the beginning.

Then you start to overanalyze.Overthink. Make mountains over molehills.

What does it take really?

You know, I was just reading Rene's post and it really touched me deep. Tickled all sorts of emotions I didn't know I had before in me. Lotsa people have been commenting on the emotional element in my posts. I guess it's been a really turbulent year for me. Settling down, knowing wonderful people, building beautiful relationships, self discovery, evolution in dreams and hopes and then, moving on again. The entire cycle repeats. But I truly believe that I had taken away plenty from these relationships, friendships and experiences.

So the big question Rene posed..

What does it take for a relationship to work?

Attended Pei Hsien's wedding the past weekend. It was really beautiful. One of the few weddings that I could actually feel the genuinity of the union and the pureness of the love shared. It's really quite amazing, the distance that had kept them apart and that the passion they had for one another still burns so strongly after all these years.

So, back to the question. What does it take for a girl to be loved and cherished forever?

Does she need to be pretty?

Does she need to be demure?

Does she have to be all obliging?

Does she need to constantly utter witty words to keep him entertained?

I don't know. Is love really so conditional?

Again, as Rene mentioned. All my life, I have been surrounded by smart, genuine, successful girls who are beautiful in every way possible. In fact, I have always felt a little overwhelmed being acquainted to them. I sometimes admire the perfect girls I see on the walkway, strutting their lovely heels, flipping their lustrous hair, glowing in their perfect complexions and wonder... how does it feel to be so perfect. Yet, does perfection = a successful relationship?

I know my relationships have been pretty controversial. I have my share of advice and being scolded from well- meaning friends. ( I appreciate the honestly, truly). But believe me, I believe in full commitment. I believe in sharing and sacrificing for your loved one. I believe in doing everything you can to see him happy. At the end of the day, just like anyone, I just want to be happy and be loved. :) You know, I used to think that you need to work hard to get. Even my mom tells me that. Lately, I have begun to think that being loved is not measured by how much you give.

Again, Rene's words really echos how I feel. ( I think she is really gorgeous inside out , smart and one of the nicest person in the world) . I know I'm not the prettiest yet I dont think Im the ugliest person in the world. I may not be a saint, but I'm not really the hardest person to live with. I'm not the valedictorian, but I think I do pretty well for a girl. I don't think I set such high standards or demands.

I know of girls who are so inconsiderate, so full of themselves, so undeserving yet so fortunate when it comes to being loved. So, it's not really about giving, is it? I'm still ever positive. But, bad things do happen to good people. Believe me, I have seen enough.

I'm curious really. Couples.. happy couples out there. Do please share. How do you know that he/ she is the one? What does one need/ not need to do to be loved and have faith that it'll last?

I am not complaining of not being treated right. In some ways, I have been really fortunate. Thank you, you and you for everything. I think, tough as us girls may all be, we all just want to be treated like princesses. To be cherished, respected and loved. Now, that's not too much to ask for, is it?

In foreign land

Of course, it's only but 400 km away from where I used to call home ... and perhaps 800 km away from real home...

I must be sounding like a real baby.

I can't deny the homesickness. I can get used to it. This new life. I love the fitness culture here actually. Pretty uplifting to see fellow jogging aficionados around.

It's strange leaving KL after I've been there for sometime and gotten so used to it. I'm missing everyone. Amidst the hustle, I was too emotionally wrecked to remember thanking all these great people whom I wont get to see so often.

My fellow breakfast mates, great friends who keep me uplifted at work....


My kawan- kawan baik from MMU days who are some of my bestest friends now....both the guys and the gals... these all the people I confide my darkest secrets too!

I want my girls night out, shopping excursions and crazy jogging sessions back!!

eh, where is Sat? :D Of course not all my girls I have in the pic. Where are you Viv! Chu! Sue Anne!KHEK YANG!

More pals from work. In fact, I think I'm gonna miss the entire office. I never felt more happy to go to work each day....


Then there is Joey, and Jamie..and Julliana....
both these gals have been here the first day I joined Tyco and have been my makan partner, partners in crime ever since... I love you guys!!!


Thank you guys for the lovely farewells. Made me all choked up. The flowers, the gifts.. the catching up sessions.. the photograph sessions....

No worries! I'll be BACK! Watch out!

Hello

It's been a crazy weekend.

So surreal... me being here. Walking so much now. Getting used to everything. Accumulating a huge bill for streaming charges.

Mixed feelings... i would say.

Admittedly exciting. Fortunate that there are so many guardian angels out there looking out for me. Especially you.

I'm well.. adapting.

Looking forward to the wedding ahead.

Looking forward to the weekends to come. :)

Uncertainty

It is very troubling, this situation I'm in. A handful of people are aware of this hot soup I'm in. Can my actions be justified just by slapping on " All's fair in love and war"? I wonder yet again, I'm positioning myself in yet another sandpit. A friend told me that I'm really weak when it comes this category. Am I? I'm really starting to question my morality.

Yet it's nice to feel this way. It's a change. To be a princess. To see a certainty. To see your dreams within your grasp. I want this to go on forever. Can it?

Let it not be a mirage. Let it not be just a shortlived happiness!

the Finality of the Decision

sunk in today.

The past few days I was a tad worried. Worried that I wasn't "feeling" enough.Worried that I had become that cold, emotionless lady that I fear I would become.

Today, I discovered that I am human.

I guess I should be happy. Better prospects. Better money. New people. A humongous challenge.

But why is it that I feel such a dull ache. The extreme sadness.

A friend told me that the first time leaving makes it harder. But i guess these people, great friends that we have become are the reason I enjoy going to work each day.

They say time will change a person. I really hope after the two years, I'll still be the same. Just wiser and a lil more weathered.